inhuman

I
am
pretty
much
destroyed.

I told everyone that I was ok. I think that might be a lie. Truth is, I'm so upset, so very upset.
I wish that I could have prevented this somehow. Maybe I could have, maybe not. I guess it doesn't make a difference at this point.
I mean, I always wondered what it was like to be single again, it had been so long since I had been single at all. Ontop of sadness, is this fear, like I don't know what to do with myself, especially around guys. Its like, flirting a bit is ok, but then I just think of him.

Like when I'm busy, I'm ok, but as soon as my mind isn't occupied I just crumble. Like right now...I was ok most of the day but I got home from a study group and I saw that he had taken me out of his facebook page. It's sad that in this day and age facebook is involved in this but its true. I just...can't handle all the girls rushing to console him, his mother telling him to call and what is the scarist thing is the relationship status: single.

I kind of feel like a part of person right now...like I can just watch from the sidelines while life does its thing. I know that I have responsibilities, I have school work that I can't ignore, but I want to just drift. And I want a hug. And I want someone's shoulder to cry on, instead of my questionably clean blanket and tissues. I want to talk to my mom but I have nothing to say about it. And I am trying to convince myself that I'm too old to just call my mother and cry over the phone. Kind of expensive anyways.

Its like being in a pit. Its dark and scary and I know that eventually, someone is going to throw a rope down to me but how long until this proverbial rescue?

3 days?
9 weeks?

Who knows. Ihope sooner rather then later but right now I have to distract myself. I need my eyes to go back to their normal state before I can go get dinner. I don't really want my roommates to see how upset I actually am.

Peace folkies. I hope your weekend was better then mine.